Master Chef: Cooking Evolved
by I have a jar of dirt
Summary: The world famous shooter game, Halo: Combat Evolved, retold with a culinary twist. This is so stupid, not to be taken seriously.
1. Chapter 1

**Welcome to my super-random parody of Halo! This is an idea I had in my head for a while, and now here it is. Enjoy!

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Master Chef: Cooking Evolved

A large, yellow piece of cheese floated through the darkness of space, which actually was a spaceship. The UNSC (United Nations Space Cooks) emblem ornated it's side, close to the giant hole in the front of the ship... Uh, cheese which acted as it's MAC (Mustard Accelerating Cannon). The ship 's name?

_Pillar of Stilton._

Aboard the yellow observation deck, several technicians clad in cereal cardboard boxes were working on vendor screens, while an old man dressed in the same uniform and a pipe in his hand looked out of the tinfoil window. He spoke to seemingly nobody:

"Cortana, all I want to know is did we lose them?"

"I think we both know the answer to that Captain," a female voice appeared out of nowhere.

The one to answer appeared on a yellow holopad. It was a human AI, dressed in a big radish suit.

"How did they-"

"Get here first?" Cortana interrupted. "They Covenant ships have always been faster."

The Captain looked out the window; several gigantic aubergines were headed towards them, and fast.

"Captain, they have sent boarding crafts towards us!"

"Spin up the MAC! Target the closest ship!"

As the potato sacks loaded with Covenant troops closed in on the Pillar of Stilton, the Mustard Accelerating Cannon fired, spraying several dropships with high-powered, rotten Dijon mustard, the strongest of it's kind. Several potato sacks had their circuits (er... spaghetti wires) fried like boiling oil, the systems unable to contain against such a terrible food taste. They all blew up, sending potato crisps flying in space.

"Fry Missiles, now!"

This time, the Pillar launched a volley of hundreds of pommes frites covered in mayonnaise against the Covenant Aubergine class cruisers, the dressing failing to stick itself to the ships and impeding their movement because of the Covenant Shields (made of caviar).

"Captain, several boarding crafts have managed to attach themselves to the ship's hull!"

"Guess it's time to wake..." The Captain made a dramatic stare before turning to Cortana: "The Master Chef."

Down in the Cryo Bay, Master Chef was being unthawed from one of the fridges by placing him in the oven. After he had started moving himself, he stepped out, revealing an 8 foot tall green giant (not the same brand selling peas), clad in armor and dressed with a Chef's hat, a recognition symbol for all of those wearing his rank.

The Chef moved up to the fridge (haha, fridge, bridge, get it? Never mind...) And presented himself to the Captain.

"Captain Crunch..."

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**This is so stupid, but I'm enjoying myself. This is just a test chapter, but more are upcoming!**


	2. Chapter 2

**By surprisingly popular demand, I have decided to continue this story.**

**Response to vrbtny: I'll try to make someone shout Cheeseus Christ, don't worry. As for Halo itself, I've got something much better than an onion ring...**

**And of course, thanks for all the other reviews!**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Halo, or Arby n' the Chief, or Guiness World Records.  


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**Captain Crunch looked up at the seven foot tall Master Chef and shook his hand.

"Chef, the Covenant have boarded. We cannot let them take Cortana; I want you to take her out of here."

"To where Captain?"

Keyes nodded towards the window. As the Chef looked out, he saw something incredible; a giant, chocolate-covered donut hovered in the middle of space. Written on the gargantuan donut was:

"WELCOME TO INSTALLATION 04"

Under it was scribbled:

"ACCEPTED AS THE BIGGEST DONUT IN THE UNIVERSE BY GUINESS UNIVERSE RECORDS 100,001 BC"

"Wait, that book is that old?" The Chef asked.

Before anyone could answer, the ship shook violently.

"Cortana! Status report!"

"Engines are flaring red, Captain!"

"Chef!" Crunch shouted. "Now would be a good time to move! Here!" The Captain handed him a Bananaphone. "It's not loaded, but you can go through the armory!"

Wondering why anyone would be stupid enough to walk around with an unloaded gun, the Chef tapped in a code on the vendor screen, before Cortanas chip came out of the money tray with a pinging sound. He yanked her in and went to the armory.

He took several clips for his Bananaphone and attached it to his magnetic holster (why not? It's a Bananaphone after all), before taking out his prized Kitchen Roflknife (which goez slice slice slice and demandz ur blood) and attaching it to his back. Walking out of the Armory, he met his first hostiles.

Several Grunts, with huge garlics on their back as their methane supply, got terrified at the sight of the Chef. He took out the Bananaphone at fired at them. A smaller Bananaslug flew out of the pipe and lodged itself deeply into a Grunt's skull, killing it. Lots of tomato sauce, which was supposed to look like blood in this B-Fic, spurted out. The Chef then shot the other Grunts, resulting in the same cascade of low-budget body fluids.

Moving on, Master Chef could hear the familiar sound of corn flakes being fired out of a gun at the speed of sound. Running around the corner, he saw a couple of marines firing away their cardboard rifles (budget, of course) at an Elite, clad in it's familiar Sushi Armor. The alien held one of the most feared weapons on the battlefield:

_A frozen Energy Fish._

Noticing the Chef, the Elite charged towards him, fish in hand. The Chef simply drew out his Roflknife (which goez slice slice slice and demandz ur blood) and decapitated him. He flung a plate out of seemingly nowhere and threw it in the air with the Elite. He jumped and sliced the Elite and his armor into several pieces in mid-air, before quickly putting everything on the plate nicely still in mid-air, and finally garnishing the whole with a piece of lemon and some herbs.

He landed perfectly in front of the Marines with the plate in his hand and offered one of them the food.

"Seafood?"

Leaving the two marines to their romantic dinner, Master Chef adjusted his hat before continuing towards the escape pods.

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**Meh, sorry for the short chapter, and again sorry for not posting another episode of Behind the Skull, but I cannot alter the course of time, and I've been busy as hell. Also I've had some minor writer's block when it comes to my Halo/ME crossover. I'll try to write a lot more during the winter holidays.**

**Again, sorry for dissapointing you.**


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